Juicy Fruit

When I drove home today from the discount eye doctor, the calming sound that brought me back from a mild anxiety attack was my two year old saying, “Gum , mommy” Juicy Fruit. I knew as I handed it back to him, he was going to swallow it. I knew he was going to want more before the next stoplight. I also knew it was ok. The wives tale of gum taking 7 years to digest has long lost its grip on me. I handed him the gum and tilted the mirror to watch his tiny hands reach out, grasp and shove the treasure into his mouth. Sweet little boy that smells like Juicy Fruit. Lord knows that smell will bring back more memories than this innocuous trip to the store. My grandma always smelled of Juicy Fruit and a story to be told. Her veiny hands were purple and warm, tinted blue.

Gonna be 40 in February. I’ve spent 39 years and 11 months hoping  for this moment. An’ I’m no longer floating moment.” An” I’ve made a family of my own” moment. The moment where I can hear my two older boys talking about girls, and fighting over the remote, and my sweet husband calmly listening and refereeing. The two year old belly laughing and me, comfortable,knowing exactly who I am, writing my first blog.

As I put my head down searching for inspiration,the  2001 carpet speaks through my throw rug, and my sister in law still says” I love your new carpet.” I realize time is the meanest, most deceptive bastard that’s ever been defined. Yet, without this time, there would be no acceptance in my soul, no humor, or appreciation.  Most of all, there would be no memory of silence …..before the life that made so much noise.

Again.40 inFebruary.. I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old. My two year old is my selfish wish come to fruition.  That closed eye, clenched fist prayer to smell a sweet newborn head again, was strangely answered.What I have realized on the few weeks before my birthday is .. I am not  the awesome mom that I thought I would be with this “do over’. I don’t do anything different. I do have loyal, forgiving friends that I didn’t have before. I do have an amazing sense of self that I overturned along the way. I have an understanding of family, history and generational wisdom that blew past me in my 30’s. That wisdom in itself has contributed to my enjoying being a mom,but not necessarily being the “super” mom I thought I would be. I think small steps add up to huge leaps. Cheesy..but not any less true.We  are all reaching,and all we can hope to grab is a few moments of lucidity. A moment where we can smell the gum our grandma used to chew and an appreciation for knowing what we are trying to grasp with our aging hands.